It was dark, quite, eerie, and worse of all I was alone. My fellow comrades and I set out on a scout trip just a few days ago. Originally from the star ship Chicago, we were suppose to prepare landing for mobile science labs. It was soon I realize I was the true experiment for theses so called scientists. I had awoken at a dark hour to an abandoned camp. Not a singe one of my fellow spacemen/women remained. Their whereabouts baffle me to this very day but only I, the developers, and maybe even possibly that thing growing on my foot can imagine what had happened to them. All I had were my spaceman shorts and bare hands to fend against this strange hostile world. For reasons that are beyond me I choose not to loot my camp for clothes or weapons but venture on and push my human limits in a non-human world. The trees, if you can even call them that, were tall and thin. Their leaves like sea weed but just much darker like good cheese gone wrong. The ground was hard yet soft and the air was thick but comforting. My first instinct was to climb a tree and try to get my bearings but I soon realized I was not a monkey and can not climb. Happily disappointed in my self I left the ugly tree behind me and instead searched for sounds of water. Still keeping in mind that I said it was dark I stumbled over some sort of native grandma whom, to my belief, smelled of my high school lunch lady (who I did NOT smell on a daily basis). It gargled at me then bit my face, I think. I don't know, maybe it did something else to my face, who can say for sure? A little nauseous I went to laydown for a little while but unplannedly fallen asleep. When I woke up I realized I had slept in alien diarrhea and contracted a disease in my face where that angry grandma bit me. At this pointed I wanted to go home. Not because I was having a bad day but I think I left my space stove on. Well I got up and brushed myself off to figure out I was in the den of some savage beast's. The den was like one of those nasty ball pits at those children's pizza places but instead of colorful balls there was skulls and half eaten pizzas, a poor mixture if I do say so myself. The dirty beast didn't even have the decadency to clean up for administrators, let along guests. As I inched my way through the skulls and moldy pizza for the exit the beast shouted out "Hey buddy where you headed?". Something a little extra squirted out of my pants at this instance when I realized the nasty beast was actually that grandma from last night. I tried my best to explain I was just going to look for a change of shorts, sense you know I defecated every where. I got about 7 feet away from the den when I started in a dead run. In the distance I could hear angry alien grandmas knitting and conspiring against me. I ran for what seemed days, or about 30 seconds in reality. When I finally stopped I found myself on the bank of a small river. There I indulged myself in the cold shiny fluid that I hope was water. Oddly enough this fluid tasted very much like mercury. It wasn't much time after that I was throwing up and getting my veins pumped by those little blood sucking serpent who's name has escaped my mind at the moment. What I really needed was StarCommand medicine and a good hour or two in the holodeck with that purple alien girl. Man that purple alien girl knows how to teach grammar! I thought these were the final moments of my life. I thought it was all over. No. I wrote this survivor story so I must not have died. I lied still for sever minutes just for my buddy Derik to come over and shake me. "There you are, we've been looking every where for you. Don't you remember? We left early for that sanity drill. I think you lost this time. Have you been drinking your own piss again?"
And the moral of the story is.....
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